worst thing

The worst thing about me isn't that I lie, exactly. It's that I hide things....I withold.

I don't think I always was this way...at least, I remember someone once saying that they loved me because I was blunt. Where did that bluntness go? I don't know. So much of me is pushed back, held in. I can't remember the last time I told someone what I thought, point blank. I give them what I think they can take.

Like my mom. I don't tell her half of what I do, or even the things she has a right to know. I clip things short and leave things out, I shorten, condense, I take out the things she can't handle, or the things I think she won't like. I censor myself so that I am what she needs me to be.

Or Lisa. I'm typically so careful with her, I only tell her what needs to be said, or I try to keep the conversation pleasant. I'm afraid that if I tell her what I really think of what she does, of her boyfriend and her lifestyle, I'll just push her away. I don't want to be seen as judgemental, you know? I don't agree with what she's doing, but I'm not sure what's my place anymore. I want us to be so much closer than we are, I don't know how to get there if I'm lying, but I don't think she'll want me if I tell her how I really feel.

I've begun to lie to other people, too. Sometimes I feel like all I do is lie, cut something out here or something else out there. And now I'm realizing that I've held all of my past in, setting out a piece or two here or there for someone to see, but keeping it all in, hiding it away. Because I don't know who I can tell who could take it, I don't know who would be hurt or upset...I don't want people to look at me like that, as something broken and ugly , I don't want to drop my burdens on their head. As a result, all of this is in me, and now it's all been brought to the surface and it won't stop coming, I can't make it go away.

All I can think about are the times I wanted to say something, but didn't. The times I wanted to tell you how I felt, but was afraid that it would push you away. I wonder if that's why we are the way we are, or if nothing could have fixed it. I wonder if all of this was coming either way, or if I could have done something.