On sunday, next sunday, school will be over and my family will be gone all day and I will be alone. I made a plan and told Cass about it - I am going to write everything down, start to finish. I am going to write about the house and gary and marilyn and all of it - every damned thing that happened to me, everything that's been bubbling up and killing me. I am going to write it out, as long as it takes, I am going to take it outside, into the firebarrel, and I am going to burn it all.

But now, I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't. There's a part of me that wants to show someone....to say 'here. this is what happened to me, all of it. this is the ugliness that's in me, this is what i wake up feeling every morning.' I want someone to know...I couldn't even tell you why. I feel like all my life I've been talking in circles, trying to get this out of me...but I never can. I can never say it all, can never squeeze the last of it out. I talk in circles and squares, I try so hard to say it, but it's like the words can't leave my lips. I am so afraid of what people will think...in a way, I want to hand the paper over, and watch myself change right before someone's eyes. I want someone to look inside me, really look, and see how dark and ugly my head is, all the things that just don't go away, the flashbacks and the memories, the little girl who is still curled up in the corner, waiting for her mother to say, finally, that she's worth trying for. I want so badly to be understood...but I don't think I will be, and so it's easier to just keep it all in my head, and not burden anyone with it. As much as I want to show someone, I know already that I'll wind up burning that paper - I'm already feeling super-rejected, putting myself up for disappointment is only going to make things worse.