bitter

I don't know how it happened ...or maybe I do. since this summer, I've become such a bitter person....bitter, and kind of angry, too.

For so, so long, I refused to play the pity card. Refused, because really, it's not all that bad, right? Maybe my mom didn't want me - someone did. And maybe I had a rough past, terrible childhood memories ....all of that was behind me, right? Life could only get better, and to put all that away and have a positive attitude was the best thing to do.

Since my mom got sick, and she disappeared, though, I just haven't been able to do that. Most days, yeah, I'm fine. But lately, there's this bubbling inside of me, a feeling I can't even put words to...it makes me so sad, and so angry, and so pissed at every person who has two parents who love them. I know all the right answers - it shouldn't matter, because I have a family woh loves me, other people have it worse, things turned out okay, didn't they? Blah, blah, blah. That doesn't make it fair. How come everyone else gets a mother, and I get stuck with someone who couldn't even set her beer down long enough to hold me? I want a mother. I want someone who looks like me, someone who acts like me, I want to feel like I am a part of someone else. I want to be part of a family where I don't have to prove myself, where I don't have to hold up a legal document to show everyone that I belong to them.

Nobody looks like me, not even my mother. I am barely a part of my family - half of them don't even consider me family. I'm sick of having to be grateful for everything - don't I deserve to be loved, to have grown up in a family where people provided for me? I hate that I have to be thankful for the love, thankful for the acceptance. I hate that whenever I feel like this, whenever I wish my first family had worked out, I feel like a traitor, like I am backstabbing my family. I am frustrated, I am angry, I am bitter and sad and filled with this awful loneliness. I have never been a part of that bigger picture, a puzzle piece to make some sky, or grass. I don't even know what puzzle I go to.