tommorrow

I feel like crying. I don't want to wake up tommorrow, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to drag myself through another day, just to fall onto the floor in relief when it is over.

Is this all life is? Is this all my life is going to be? Dragging myself through the weekdays, for a few hours of fun that are so peppered with stress, my back holds knots for days after? There is no rest, there is no relief, and life feels endless in the worst kind of way. I was so happy today, and I smiled so much. But Chad and Carly and Cass and Lyssa can't be here to walk me through every second, to be bring me the precious laughter and the love I so crave. I can feel last year's depression creeping over my soul again, and the awful loneliness that seemed to swallow me whole. It is the one awful truth we keep coming back to, and the one thing I can't seem to heal from - forgiving and forgetting won't make it go away, it's not something I can just accept and move on from...she's gone. And it's all we are, anymore, it has consumed us completely. She is gone, and we are just the hollow seedpod she came from, suddenly empty and pointless without her. All the new campers and replaced floors in the world won't erase that fact, but we will keep trying, because we can't make her want us. I cannot make her want to be my sister.

There's this awful thought that creeps into my head some nights, when it's late like this and the world feels dead. My mother didn't want me. My sister doesn't want me. Who's next? Who will be the next one to abandon me?