I GIVE UP

ARGGGGGGGGGGGG

I hate school so much. Here are the things that need to be done this week...

-200 question developmental psych take-home midterm, due friday

- mypoliscilab assignments, due sunday

- 3 page economics career project, due sunday

- polisci paper, 5 pages, due sunday

- polisci written assignment based on a video that WON'T STOP FREEZING UP, due sunday

- heather's stupid personal ad, due tommorrow

bio homework, due thursday. Will there be a quiz based on it? Probably.

And it wouldn't be so much , except I can't do anything all during Sabbath, and saturday night is lyss's party, and I WANT TO GO. I've been working on my costume for months, and I'm going, homework or not.

I wanted to get all my gov stuff done tonight, but the internet just isn't cooperating. I can't log in, or I can't log out in order to log back in, and the video freezes up, and I'm just TIRED, and I want to do my damn work so that I don't have to stress about it. I keep making weekend plans, and now I'm mad that I had Chad come up, because I could have done all of this LAST weekend and saved myself the stress, and then I feel bad because we really needed this past weekend, even if parts of it did totally suck. I don't know, I don't know...I just don't have time for everything, and I need to do good to keep my scholarship, and I still want to have my life. I want to be able to see people and write and DO things. I want to be a person now, to enjoy life NOW.

'gotta make a plan, gotta do what's right. Can't run around in circles if you want to build a life. But I don't wanna make a plan for a day far away, while I'm young and while I'm able, all I want to do is....'

My sister has a doctor's appointment, and we don't know why. But she's broke, so if she's going to the doctor's, it has to be mildly serious. Is it bad, that I'm sick of this? I am so tired of the sickness, of the people who might die, who could die, and the worry that lays so heavily on my heart.

I'm afraid to go to Michigan, now. I'm afraid to go to Chad's for Thanksgiving. What if she dies? What if I'm away, and my mom dies, and I can't get home in time to visit her one last time? What if she dies and I'm at school, in Michigan, and I can't get home for the funeral? I don't think I could live with myself. What if she dies, and I am still so angry at her, for forgetting me, for abandoning me, for not even trying a damn bit for me...what if there is bad blood between us, forever and ever?

I love my mom, and I love my sister. I hate what we are, though. My heartstrings are twisted and strained, and I'm sick of digging my heels in and holding on to people who don't want to hold on to me. I torture myself with my own love, and I don't know why. Why can't I just give up on people? Why can't I just let it go? Why can't I admit that there is nothing I can do for either of them, that I have absolutely no impact on their lives, that I am nothing to them?

But it's there, like a pulse, beating in my head. What if she dies? What if she dies?

What if she dies?

THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!

I know, with the Green Day songs, I'm so obnoxious. Everyone but Cass has about had it with me and my obsession...but right now, I just get them...or they get me. I don't know. It reminds me of when Carrie and I were in seventh grade, and we would pick one thing, and OBSESS over it. All the time, I mean...like, for instance, beef jerky. I decided that I loved slim jims one week, and in seventh grade, I had a Sunny D and a slim jim for lunch every day for like, two or three months.

Or Johnny Depp. We decided we loved him right after PotC came out, and then we would watch all of his movies, a different one every weekend, at her house. I would sleep over, and we always did the same things - watch a Johnny movie, go upstairs and rock out (while burning incense) share deep, scary secrets, and fall asleep. In the morning, Carrie would make me food, and we would watch some silly Disney movie, looking for plotholes the whole time. It was so silly, but it made us so, so happy.

So...another letter came from Andrews today. I'M GOING TO ANDREWS! And, you know what? When I get there, after 2 years of schooling... I AM GOING TO BE A SOCIAL WORKER! Like, I am in the social work program...when I get there next fall, I will start my training. This is happening. It's real..I'm going to be a social worker, and I am going to change people's lives, I am going to be an agent of change in the world. Me! I can't even express how excited I am, how happy and overjoyed I am...my goals are being achieved, my life plans are starting up, and I am so psyched.

Yeah. So there's this song, called 'Waiting' and when I heard it, I was like 'this perfectly describes me life right now!' And yes, it's Green Day - off of 'Warning:' which is my favorite album, as of right now. No, you know, I think it will always be my favorite. It's just amazing.

I've been waiting a long time
For this moment to come
I'm destined
For anything...at all
Downtown lights will be shining
On me like a diamond
Ring out under the midnight hour
No one can touch me now
And I can't turn my back
It's too late ready or not at all
I'm so much closer thanI have ever known...
Wake up

Dawning of a new era
Calling...don't let it catch you falling
Ready or not at all
So close enough to taste it
Almost...I can embrace this
Feeling....on the tip of my tongue
I'm so much closer thanI have ever known...
Wake up
Better thank your lucky stars....

I've been waiting a lifetime
For this moment to come
I'm destined for anything at all
Dumbstruck
Colour me stupid
Good luck
You're gonna need it
Where I'm going if I get there...
At all....
Wake up
Better thank your lucky stars....



I never thought I would make anything of myself...always thought I would wind up like my mom. But I've done something, and I'll continue to do something...to be someone worth being. This is my life, and it is all really happening, and I am so happy.

servings

This weekend, all I ate was peanutbutter cookies (so good) grape soda (I hate grape but I've been craving it for days) and soup. Delicious, soul-warming soup.

I feel pretty disgusting now. I worked out last night, but I still feel like there's sludge in my veins. I can't wait to work out tonight. I never imagined I would be so into it - before, it was just because I'm afraid of getting fat. I'm starting to love it, though. I love feeling like my body is capable of things, instead of focusing on cerebral palsy, and all the things I can't do. And it's stress relieving, and I just feel so good afterwards. I've been getting healthier lately, with my food habits too. I'm noticing that the more I focus on being healthy, eating good, excercise...the less I worry about being skinny, or who I'm fatter than, or how I measure up. And it's been so long since I've done that ...not since before 6th grade have I not been constantly preoccupied with how I compare with every other female around me. But I am gaining security, I am learning to love my body, with its fat and its bone, and the skin and muscle...I will never be perfect, so I might as well love what I am, right?

My next project is to get my correct amount of daily servings in. I'm most concerned with fruits and vegetables...grains I'll be careful about, dairy I doubt I'll make. I'd like to cut down my junk intake, but rather than take away, I'm concentrating on switching over - veggie soup instead of pasta for dinner, veggie-central lunches instead of empty calorie lunches. More fruit juice, less tea. The best thing is that a lot of these changes I'm already making, and I'm so surprised - they're really not that difficult. I tried all of this last year, and it would last a week or two, and then be over. Light dinners are effortless, now, though, and I'm finding that I don't even like potato chips - I prefer pretzels with honey mustard, when I can.

Last week was so bad, but today is so, so good, and I only hope this week is just as good. I did poorly on a test today, too, but I still feel so energized, and wonderful. I am so happy....

horror?

Zombies, aliens, and oversized bugs don't scare me. Nor do ghosts. So what does?

-A friend's boyfriend who gets too fresh

-Walking alone in the city at night

-That my mom will be sick, and could die while I am at Andrews

-They way things have been changing so fast, of late

It's not the make-believe things, it's the ones that could actually happen, might actually happen...the fears that don't fade when I turn on the lights.

silly spider

I just got out of the shower, feeling a ton better. Today has been awful...this week has sucked, but today has been absolutely awful. I felt like such a virus, and after the crappy week it's been, and the way I've been trying to smile and be happy anyway, it just sucked. Holden Caulfield was so, so right - there is not peace in this world, just a ton of 'f- you' signs.

But I am okay. I got into the shower ready to cry, and then I saw this little spider on the ledge of the tub. He scared me a whole bunch - I almost lost my footing. He was missing a few legs, and he seemed a little disoriented. I was wondering what to do - should I smush him? get a baggie and take him outside?- when I remembered BMA. I used to get daddy long leggers in my shower all the time on frosh hall. I'm terrified of daddy long leggers. When I was a kid, my brothers would dangle them over my head, sometimes actually drop them on me, and they move so fast, and they just scare me so, so much. But at BMA, I didn't have the heart to kill them, so I just let them chill in a corner, far away from me. And I realized that we can live peaceably, the daddy long leggers and I, so long as we respect one another's space.

So I didn't kill the spider in the shower. I didn't move him, either; I'm pretty sure the cold would kill him. He stayed where he was, and I stayed where I was, and I watched him try to climb the shower wall while I shampooed my hair, and he made me laugh a whole bunch. I hope no one kills him. I'll be alone all weekend, and it makes me feel better to know that I have my own little family going on - me, my goldfish Gilbert, and now the shower spider.

I want today...

Remember that song, from the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

I want today,
I want tommorrow,
I want to lock it all up
in my pocket,
it's my bar of chocolate!
Give it to me,
now!

..The one that the bratty girl sings? I used to love that song. Not particularly because it was pretty, or anything, but because I was little, and she was a brat, and I have this weird admiration for people who have the balls to be something I never could - astronauts, veterinarians, doctors. I could never be as bratty as she was; I would feel too guilty. And so I kind of liked her, and kind of liked her song.

I like that concept. Not of demanding things, but of keeping a day, because its my bar of chocolate - my oppertunity, my chance. I've been so stressed this week, and up until now, I have maintained a positive attitude. No one is very sympathetic, though, and I'm frustrated and stressed and I feel like I'm about to break, and I just want someone to tell me they get it, and I'm not crazy, or weak, or anything...just human. Don't they get it? That it's not just today, or this week, but that for the past year, the past YEAR, I'vew had the world on my shoulders? That I feel so angry, and hurt, and rejected....that I feel guilty, and most of all, I feel like a failure, because I can't fix what she's done? My whole inside is just this awful war, barren and angry and full of landmines that even I can't map out.

But today is my day, and tommorrow, and the next. I love my sister, and I love my family, but I can't let them rob me of my happiness. I can't fix what's been done, but I CAN worry about me, and maintaining my own mental health...it's not like anyone else is going to do it for me. Maybe this is all common sense, but this week has been so awful, and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I am deciding here and now to be happy. Excercise has been helping, but I am implementing something else....

Five worderful things about my day. From now on, every day. Because I am bound and determined to enjoy my life, before I am a sick, ugly old lady.

1. I got a good parking spot

2. I got a good partner in Interviewing

3. I found out that I get ton of extra credit for showing up - an A in bio is still a total possibility.

4. I'm going to go frost a cake with my little sister, who now hugs me everyday <3

5. I don't have much homework, so I get to write a lot tonight.

Tommorrow is not going to suck...I refuse. I absolutely refuse to not enjoy my life.

tommorrow

I feel like crying. I don't want to wake up tommorrow, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to drag myself through another day, just to fall onto the floor in relief when it is over.

Is this all life is? Is this all my life is going to be? Dragging myself through the weekdays, for a few hours of fun that are so peppered with stress, my back holds knots for days after? There is no rest, there is no relief, and life feels endless in the worst kind of way. I was so happy today, and I smiled so much. But Chad and Carly and Cass and Lyssa can't be here to walk me through every second, to be bring me the precious laughter and the love I so crave. I can feel last year's depression creeping over my soul again, and the awful loneliness that seemed to swallow me whole. It is the one awful truth we keep coming back to, and the one thing I can't seem to heal from - forgiving and forgetting won't make it go away, it's not something I can just accept and move on from...she's gone. And it's all we are, anymore, it has consumed us completely. She is gone, and we are just the hollow seedpod she came from, suddenly empty and pointless without her. All the new campers and replaced floors in the world won't erase that fact, but we will keep trying, because we can't make her want us. I cannot make her want to be my sister.

There's this awful thought that creeps into my head some nights, when it's late like this and the world feels dead. My mother didn't want me. My sister doesn't want me. Who's next? Who will be the next one to abandon me?

but daddy, I love him!

Poor, poor Chad's car. His battery died today, and so we ran to get a battery. Or would have, but we couldn't get his out - my dad only had english measurement rachets, and he needed metric.

It took forever - we went out to get the rachets, picked up a lightbulb for my poor, busted rear blinker, and headed home. He took out the battery, and then we went to Wally World to pick up a new battery. And maybe that sounds like an awful lot of back and forth, but it was fun. Enjoyable, even. It was sunny and nice, and we listened to 'Warning' over and over (he won't admit it, but he TOTALLY loves the title song. I saw him boppin' along), and while he worked on the car, I laid out on my mexian blanket and read...and watched. It was so much fun. I don't know why I keep feeling this way, but it seems almost every weekend we spend together, I have a revelation, like 'oh...that's why I love him!'. I don't know how I forgot...I guess it's just part of the sleep that took over after Lisa left. Either way, this weekend was exhausting, but lovely...I had so much fun just being with him. I laughed so much this weekend, over the silliest things, and it felt so good, to be alive like that.

But, of course, there are my parents. Chad was parked behind me, and when we took my car to go to K-Mart for the rachets, I backed out. It was tight, but he was standing outside the car helping me, and I probably could have done it. She ran out of the house screaming, practically, and then I just froze up. I should have just continued, but with her there, waiting for me to screw up, I couldn't do it. I got out and let her handle it, just like she wanted. I hate that message they keep sending - 'you can't do it. stop trying.' They won't let me do anything on my own, but they won't offer to help, either. I can't drive anywhere too far by myself, but nobody has the time to practice with me. They get mad when I fix my own lightbulb, but they've let it go for half a week, so nobody knows when I'm turning left. The worst part is when I know I can, I know I can, but they're so discouraging that I just give up, because it's easier, and then I hate myself for it.

They put a damper on everything. And after Chad left, of course, it only got worse. My dad just doesn't seem to understand that Chad doesn't have 4 grand to fork over for a good used car. And we get into this argument all the time -

Dad: why doesn't he just get a good used car that will actually last?

Me: because he has to pay for his schooling, and he doesn't have the cash.

D: but he's putting more money into it becuase it's not a good car.

M: Yes, but he doesn't have the upfront cash to buy a good used car.

D: but he's got enough money to come up here all the time, and to pay for all the car problems.

M: that's only like, 50 bucks a month. His car doesn't always do this - typically it's good.

D: He should just buy a good, used car. You get what you pay for.

M: But he doesn't have the cash.

D: Well, he should save up.

M: BUT HE HAS TO PAY FOR SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, we have had this conversation at least five times. He doesn't get it, and it makes me feel so annoyed and angry and, in a weird way, guilty. Poor Chad. Really, he works his butt off, and he's so diligent, and he hardly ever spends money on himself, and still, STILL, my parents can't respect him. They can't see any good in him, and I can't understand why. He's such a good, honest, trustworthy, hardworking person. I can't say enough good things about him, and I don't know...who do they want me to be with? Someone who lets me walk all over him? Because that's what I think this comes down to - they've heard him be dead-honest with me, they've seen me make him breakfast, and they think I should be with some pansy who treats me like a volcano who will explode on him if he doesn't worship my toes. Well, I'm sorry - I don't want a woman for a boyfriend, I want someone with balls. I want a guy who will be honest with me, who will tell me when I'm out of line, and when I need to grow up. I want someone who sees me as a person, not a prize to be won, and that's who I've found. I just hate that they can't love him, and I worry that it will make our relationship harder, in the end. But it can't all be rainbows and hearts, right?

Cider!!!!

I think I have redeemed myself from the 'worst girlfriend ever' category.

Basically, I forgot Chad's birthday. Not really forgot, I guess, but I couldn't find a good present. He wanted an ipod dock, but his family got him that, and he wanted a watch, but it seemed so impersonal (or engagement-y, you pick) so I stewed and stewed. All weekend, he's been saying things like 'it doesn't have to be a monetary thing. You can give me a good dinner, a fun experience...'. But me, I don't feel right if he doesn't walk away with SOMETHING - a picture, a slice of pie. And so, I decided to make apple cider, one of his all-time favorite beverages.

Only, you have to ferment cider for three days. So, what's a girl to do? Basically, I made spiced, hot apple juice. I took six apples (they were all that was in the fridge) peeled, cored and diced them, then blended them 2 by 2 until they were the cosistancy of applesauce. Then, I took an old, super-clean T shirt and laid it over the mouth of a bowl. I poured most of the mixture in, then gathered up the shirt and twisted it, so that all the apple goo was in a little ball. I squeezed and squeezed, and the juice came out all the tiny little holes in the shirt.

This went on for the majority of the cider-making experience. By the time I got all the juice out, my arms were aching, and I had a very awkward, flavorless apple paste in my T shirt. I rolled that into a ball and threw it outside, for some poor hungry creature to eat. Then, I took all this juice, dumped it into a pot, spiced it with cinnamon , cloves and a little bit of lemon zest, and let it boil. (Oh, and I threw the T shirt out, in case you were wondering.)

After an hour and a half of work, I'm left with 2 1/2 cups of cider...which I put into a water bottle, and into the fridge. There was a tiny bit left over, and it is phenomenal. I really, really hope he likes it, because I am SO proud of myself - this stuff is amazing. My plan is to give him this bottle as a sample, and promise more when I have a bit of time, and an extra gallon jug. Or, maybe I can show him how to make it tommorrow.

Either way, I'm super-happy.....<3

morbid

Is it weird that I find graveyards so fascinating? There's one near my house that has these strange candles...when you pass it at night, different gravestones have a tiny little glow in front of them. It's absolutely surreal, but I adore it.

This picture was taken at Hickory Run state park. It used to be a villiage, but it was flooded in the 1800s. Basically, this rich dude built a dam, and it rained and the dam brokme down ( he had it made pretty cheaply) and a ton of people drown. The villiage was destroyed, and all that remains are a few buildings you can still see today. But if you go up in the woods across from the ranger's station (which used to be one of the old houses) there is a mini graveyard. It's where most of the people who died in the flood are buried, and it's amazing. So....I don't even know. The way the sun comes streaming through the pine trees, and the way some of the graves are cracked and broken, some headstones are only an upright rock, and there are all these faded silk flowers and broken candleholders...in front of a little boy's grave, I found a pinwheel, still spinning. It's beautiful. Maybe it is morbid of me, and maybe its only been in the last few months, but I love the peace you find there, where everyone is sleeping. Dead people can't cry, they can't freak out or hurt. It's the only place on this planet where you can ever find real peace.

robbers!

Right now, there are police across the street, while I work on my abortion position paper (3 pages in - glory hallelujiah!). Apparantly, our neighbors are vacationing in California, and some boys staked out their house, and broke in. We called the cops, who are inspecting right now.

I feel like I'm in an episode of CSI.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, though - there's always a fire, or someone hitting a tree, or a drug deal. This is supposed to be a safe development, a place for families. how on Earth did it get so crime-ridden?

That girl

When does admiration turn into jealousy?

I have so many friends who are beautiful people. Take Cass, for instance. Cass is pretty, and she can make anyone laugh. She knows all the best places and all the funniest people, when you are with her, you WILL have a good time. All through middle school and highschool, the boys I liked were crushing on Cass.

Or how about Lisa? Lisa is GORGEOUS, skinny, and has this kind, sweet demeanour. I mean, yeah, she can be a total bitch, but for the most part, she's amazing. As sisters, we were always that sterotypical pair - the older sister who is gorgeous but empty-headed, and the younger sister, who is opinionated and makes you laugh. But boys don't care about laughing...or at least, with us they never did.

And the ones who are so talented - Rach, Lyssa, Carrie. Rach and Lyssa have these gorgeous poems, this amazing ability with words that I just lack. And Carrie draws like..well, like it's what her arm was meant to do.

Don't get me started on Carly. She's so pretty, in that awful accidental way...she gets out of the shower and looks amazing. And she looks good in everything she wears, AND, AND she can sing like you wouldn't believe, AND she can draw....and she has this artistic taste that makes me feel like a rounded corner, with my little Green Day cds .

You see what I mean? They are all so beautiful, all people I love being around, but it all makes me feel so small, like a round little river pebble surrounded by gemstones. Because I have never been the girl that guys pine after, I have never been the girl who knows all the cool people, or the girl whose voice makes you stand still in your steps, waiting for the next note. No one is thrilled by the chance to know me, no one is enamoured of me. I guess we can't all be amazing, but still, it makes me feel so plain.....I want to be that girl.