perhaps not.

So...we didn't go to Brad's...we just hung out at the park. We walked up through the park, down 309, down Church road and along South Main until we came through the park again - 4 miles, I think. And we talked. Sometimes it was all me, sometimes it was all him...we told stories, we got to know eachother, and it was nice. He likes a girl, I have a boyfriend, the lines are defined, and right now we're just coloring the insides, determining what, exactly, this friendship will look like to us.

He reminds me of Cassie...when I first met her, she was so cool. She loved bands I'd never heard of and everyone wanted to be around her, and I wanted to be around her. She knows all these amazing people, and yet she wants to hang out with me. At BMA, it was the same with Carly. It seemed like in our group of friends, she was the hub - the one we all had in common, the Great Uniter. It blew my mind that I got to be her best friend, that I was one of those people she wanted to be around. I was so angry and ugly and gross, and still, there was something about me that was good enough for her.

With Ryan, it's kind of the same thing. Everyone likes him, everyone wants a piece. And I'm just this girl, this small girl who struggles with an eating disorder and has to try to make it through each day, a walking disaster constantly on the brink of self-destruction. Somewhere in there, he sees someone he wants to be friends with, someone with something to offer. I am flattered, and I am grateful. Between Carly and Cassie and Ryan's friendship, and then Chad, who for some mysterious reason wants to spend his life with me, I am beginning to think that maybe, perhaps I am not just a trainwreck, a bag of scar tissue and anger. I am someone who other people actually want to be around. I am someone who is worthwhile.