I have the right

So, I made this dumb comment about it being Valentine's day...and everyone was like 'noo, why would you hate Valentine's day? It's the day of LoOoOove!'

But here's the thing. In my family, it's all pressure. Why didn't Chad get you a gift, and why didn't you get me a gift, and why did you get me a gift but not dad? And Danielle, why are you so bitter and ugly, why, why, why?

He gets me chocolate, and a stupid card, and suddenly I have to be grateful. THAT's why I hate it. Someone buys me chocolate, and now I'm required to be forgiving and loving and warm, because there has been the exchange of apologies and we hacve jumped through all the right hoops and it is all okay now. But it's just not. I don't feel safe, I feel as though I never have been, and never will be. Something in me has been changed, a root pulled loose, and now I am so completely unconnected that I cannot even fathom loving, or forgiving, or speaking again. This is beyond a grudge. I have been all poured out, I have nothing left to offer, nothing left to rip from myself and give away.

I am so much jumpier and stubborner, and I don't know...I feel so ugly now, in a way I don't know can be reversed. I want so badly to go somewhere beautiful, to restore my faith....to remember that things can really be okay for me.