requiem for a dream

We didn't think it would be so bad. i knew it was a drug movie, that it was sad....it's the kind of thing that gets to anyone. But toward the end there, when it got bad, all I could do was say 'ohmigod.' Just over and over and over again.

It starts with this kid, Harry. He's twenty-something, and he's visiting his mom, who lives in a senior center...the kind of apartment building where old people live, but no one really keeps tabs on them. He takes her TV, to sell for heroin money. She's so happy just to see him...his father is dead and he barely visits, he's her only son. She watches this stupid inspirational show, Tappy, all the time. It's the only thing she has, and he takes it from her, doesn't even stay to talk. He sells it and gets heroin, and he and his buddy Ty get high, and he taks some to his girlfriend, Marian, and they get high.

But it's okay. His mom has been invited to be a contestant on Tappy's show. She's going to loose 10 pounds so she can fit into the red dress she wore to Harry's graduation, before her husband dies. She can't seem to loose the weight, so she goes to this doctor who gives her all these pills - pills for meals, pills for morning, pills for night. She doesn't realize it's speed.

But then Harry is selling heroin and he buys her a new TV, he tries to do right by her, and he realizes that she's on speed and tries to get her to stop, but she explains that loosing weight and Tappy's show are all she has, all that's left to wake up for. He doesn't tell her that drugs are ruining his life, because he knows it would kill her. she wants so badly to believe that her son is good. She invites him to dinner, he agrees to bring Marian.

But then he gets high, and his supplier gets shot and there's no heroin, anywhere. He Ty and Marian are going through crazy withdrawl, and they have no money. His mom can't stop popping speed. She gets completely strung out and gets on a train to Madison Square Gardens, but she doesn't know if it's the right train or not. They haven't told her yet if she'll be on the show or not, but she keeps having visions of winning, of being thin and beautiful in her red dress. At the same time that she's being taken to the hospital, Ty and Harry get arrested in Florida because Harry's needle hole is infected and Ty takes him to the hospital. Ty goes to jail and Harry has to have his arm amputated, and they lock up his mom and cut off her red hair because they think she's crazy. Marian starts having sex for Coke, and Harry calls her from the hospital to promise that he's coming home. He wakes up after his amputation calling her name. The nurse tells him that she's coming and he says..'no. she's not.'

and you know he's right.


It was awful. My mother was everywhere. Promising things would be okay and believing it, even though there was no way...even though there is no way. And that old lady, wandering around so proud of her son, so deluded, and the way people looked at her like she was crazy..that is my mother. It hurt so bad, to see the look on Harry's face when he realized over and over what his addiction had done to him....how many times has she felt like that? How often does she get off the phone upset, realizing that she screwed me over, that she screwed us all over for her booze and her pot and her men? How many beers does it take to drown it all out?

I was sitting there on Cassie's couch, biting my arm so she wouldn't hear me sobbing. I have never cried so much during a movie....my mother. My poor, poor mother.

snooooooooooooooooooow

I hate the snow less when it means I don't have to go to school. I got a paper out of the way, excercised, and now feel complete. Yay snow!

february

I used to hate november. Awful, awful things happen to me in november. Apparantly, awful things happen in february too.

There was all that crap with my dad, and now this....my mom is sick, again. She's been in the hospital since monday and got out today. Something is wrong with her heart, but they can't figure out what, so they let her go. Is it because she's poor? Because I kind of think it is. I think they went 'Oh, we have another MediCare patient. Boyfriend brought her in...she went out for lotto tickets and smokes, and came back sick. She smells like beer and looks like she's been living out of a cardboard box for a while...'

Did they let her go because she doesn't deserve their care? Because she's just some old bag lady, and they have better people to save? They should have done more tests. She had a all the symptoms of a heart attack...why did they let her go?

She's not just a bag lady. As much as I hate to say this, she's Sal's companion ( does not mean I like him, at all). She's Rose Matusik's daughter, and she's MY MOTHER. I don't care how poor or ugly or beaten she is, or how much of it is her fault, for drinking and doing drugs and all of that. She's still my mother, and she's still sick. They don't get to decide if she's worth saving, or not. Everyone is worth saving.

nononononononono

I keep having nightmares. I'm loosing hair and sleep. He says it's done with, I don't believe him. Will I ever feel safe?

how important

So it turns out we don't have the money for Andrews, and they are not offering a big enough amount of money, and I can't get all the grants we were counting on.

So what's more important? Seeing my boyfriend every month, or Andrews? Seeing New Mexico, or Andrews? Enjoying my summer, or Andrews?

But really...I can see Chad a few times during the school year, and be okay. And I can go somewhere silly like Louisianna, and be okay. And I can make the most of my summer, and be okay. Andrews is so vital to me, right now. I have hung all of my hopes on it, and maybe I'm dumb to have done that, but all I can think is that I'm getting out. I'm getting the hell out of here, I'm taking that first step....how important is it to me? Vital. It is the only thing that keeps me breathing, this hope that soon I will be somewhere else.

I have the right

So, I made this dumb comment about it being Valentine's day...and everyone was like 'noo, why would you hate Valentine's day? It's the day of LoOoOove!'

But here's the thing. In my family, it's all pressure. Why didn't Chad get you a gift, and why didn't you get me a gift, and why did you get me a gift but not dad? And Danielle, why are you so bitter and ugly, why, why, why?

He gets me chocolate, and a stupid card, and suddenly I have to be grateful. THAT's why I hate it. Someone buys me chocolate, and now I'm required to be forgiving and loving and warm, because there has been the exchange of apologies and we hacve jumped through all the right hoops and it is all okay now. But it's just not. I don't feel safe, I feel as though I never have been, and never will be. Something in me has been changed, a root pulled loose, and now I am so completely unconnected that I cannot even fathom loving, or forgiving, or speaking again. This is beyond a grudge. I have been all poured out, I have nothing left to offer, nothing left to rip from myself and give away.

I am so much jumpier and stubborner, and I don't know...I feel so ugly now, in a way I don't know can be reversed. I want so badly to go somewhere beautiful, to restore my faith....to remember that things can really be okay for me.

I think my period is skipping this month...or at least, it's almost two weeks late. And even though I'm not eating any differently, for the past week my hair has been coming out in clumps. Could it be stress? Because there is only one thing stressing me out.

hard or soft?

It's funny, how much I can endure...how much I have endured. The amount of rejection and abuse and neglect and all of that shit that I've put up with, and come out okay. And the way I can cope with it now, and I'm living my life and it's great, isn't it? I remember someone telling me, forever ago, that it was so cool that I'd come to terms with who I was and my past, my future...that most people who have been through all I have take years and years, but at seventeen I had it all figured out.

I don't.


Sometimes, I feel like one of those little russian dolls. There are about a million of me, but they're all just hollow shells....and each one is meant for a different person. There is a big hard Danielle for the people at school, and a smaller, hard Danielle for the majority of my friends. I am a bitch, and we laugh about it, I laugh about it, and I get mad and big when I want to crumple, and I yell when I want to cry, because I am ashamed. Inside of all of those hard wooden dolls, at the center of it all is a little girl made of clay, breakable and delicate and so, so tiny....so small she's invisible.

Am I strong? I shake when people yell, and I want to cry when someone corrects me because I can't handle not being perfect. I have panic attacks and I have to listen to Bob Dylan in order to go to sleep...I surround myself with pillows and stuffed animals because after fifteen years of 'safety', I am still conviced that my mother's ex-boyfriend is going to strangle me in my sleep. I have closed off some aspect of myself to everyone in my life, even if it's just one dumb little thing, because I am afraid, I am terrified, that if anyone knew me completely....they wqouldn't want me anymore.

aches

When my sister ran away, I started getting nauseous, and suddenly, I was nauseous all the time, every day. I'm still nauseous every day, almost two years later.


Since last Wednesday, I have had a stomach ache every day. I think my body is trying to kill me from the inside out.

silence is golden

it is something worse than pain, to realize that all this time...I kept it in, I tried to protect myself and them, and everything I could. We've dashed down the trees and ripped our happy home apart, I have ripped our happy home apart, and exposed them to all the terror in me....

and what for? I am still as scared and angry and confused as ever, he is still a monster in my closet. The only difference is that now, we're not even speaking, or pretending. Ah, the age of industry, and the things we accomplish.