Mariah Carey

When I was a kid, I loved music ...still do. But I loved a lot of strange music.

There was, of course, the mandatory '90s stuff- my sister fought over boy bands, she was a Backstreet Boys fan, I dug N'Sync. We shared everything, so we had Britney Spears and Christina Aguelira (sp?). Other good stuff, too - my mom would play Boyz II Men, Whitney Houston and Toni Braxton in the car, and we would 'borrow' my brothers' Ace of Base, Green Day, and I think a few other bands...but there was one cassett tape that was my absolute favorite. It was pretty much mine, too, since my mom and the boys didn't like it too much - Mariah Carey.

My sister and I would blast it on our little tape deck, sing and dance along, play it after we'd dressed up so that we were all hoochie, wiggling around in mini skirts with socks in our shirts. I didn't understand what the lyrics said, or what they meant, and I really didn't care how awful I sounded. When I was listening to my Mariah Carey tape, I was the sexiest, most amazing singer EVER, and no one could stop me. It was amazing.

I miss that. I miss singing and not caring how it sounded....whenever I sing now, it's really quiet so no one can hear me, or when I have the house to myself. I miss being super confident, and thinking that whatever I did was amazing. I know writers are supposed to doubt themselves, but I hate the way I never feel like I'm doing things well enough. My writing isn't good enough, my body isn't small enough, my conversations aren't intelligent enough...everything I do, I tear apart. How do you stop that? How do you make that awful little voice just shut up, for once?

I am re-writing The Lost Song of Nimrod, and having fun doing it...I just wish I could really love the words that come out. I wish I could be that little girl, listening to her Mariah Carey tapes, and singing along, loving herself and everything she does.