needs.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing this the right way. Maybe I need to not write letters to my dead mother, maybe I need to stay away from Joe's. Maybe I should avoid using her as a topic for my research paper, maybe I shouldn't try so hard not to feel the rest of the time. I've never done this, I don't know how to do it right.

But I am making it through each day. Today, I laughed so hard I thought I would cry, just pillow-fighting with Ryan. And I can't stop singing, even thoug my throat is killing me. Some nights Icry on the phone to Chad, and some nights I cry myself to sleep, and some nights I fight the lump in my throat until I'm out, and then wake up with it waiting for me, and choke it down all day. I'm not sure I believe in the greiving process, I'm not sure I believe that you can just slap a process on this, tell me to go through so many steps like a horse through an obstacle field...it hurts, and I am dealing with it how I can. I'm remembering and blocking, I'm letting it come as I can handle it. I mourn and I rejoice, and I carry a sadness around with me, a permenant lump in my throat. Sometimes I need to go to Joe's just to be surrounded by people and familiar smells and sounds, sometimes I need to go to Cassie's and write until my fingers bleed. sometimes I need to not work on a paper, because I need a few minutes to myself, and some nights, I need to fall asleep listening to 'Blood Bank' and trying to remember what it felt like before she broke my heart open.

Am I healthy? I don't know. I'm doing what I need to. I don't believe all loss feels the same, I don't believe all death is the same. What I feel right now is unique, no one has ever felt this way, no one ever will. I can't explain what it is, for a Danielle to lose a Marilyn. But really, why does anyone need to know?