needs.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing this the right way. Maybe I need to not write letters to my dead mother, maybe I need to stay away from Joe's. Maybe I should avoid using her as a topic for my research paper, maybe I shouldn't try so hard not to feel the rest of the time. I've never done this, I don't know how to do it right.

But I am making it through each day. Today, I laughed so hard I thought I would cry, just pillow-fighting with Ryan. And I can't stop singing, even thoug my throat is killing me. Some nights Icry on the phone to Chad, and some nights I cry myself to sleep, and some nights I fight the lump in my throat until I'm out, and then wake up with it waiting for me, and choke it down all day. I'm not sure I believe in the greiving process, I'm not sure I believe that you can just slap a process on this, tell me to go through so many steps like a horse through an obstacle field...it hurts, and I am dealing with it how I can. I'm remembering and blocking, I'm letting it come as I can handle it. I mourn and I rejoice, and I carry a sadness around with me, a permenant lump in my throat. Sometimes I need to go to Joe's just to be surrounded by people and familiar smells and sounds, sometimes I need to go to Cassie's and write until my fingers bleed. sometimes I need to not work on a paper, because I need a few minutes to myself, and some nights, I need to fall asleep listening to 'Blood Bank' and trying to remember what it felt like before she broke my heart open.

Am I healthy? I don't know. I'm doing what I need to. I don't believe all loss feels the same, I don't believe all death is the same. What I feel right now is unique, no one has ever felt this way, no one ever will. I can't explain what it is, for a Danielle to lose a Marilyn. But really, why does anyone need to know?

car.

It rained today, and sunned at the same time, so there was a huge rainbow over the crestwood football field...like, so huge, I could see the entire arch. There were all these dark ominous clouds, and it was so nice....I don't know. bad weather makes me feel wonderful, especially when I feel like shit.

But i should not say this. Because today, I got a sympathy card that made me cry from my grandmother (all sympathy cards make me cry now. the end.) and a much better, feel-better-because-I-love you card from Carly, which made me grin like a chesire cat. Seriously, I love my friends. <3

But by far, the best part of this day was coming home to my dad, drying our car off with a towel, in the rain.

Again.

gone away

I love this song, and today it was stuck in my head all during spanish...I think it might wind up being my theme song over the next couple days. It makes me sad, but it's pretty, for an Offspring song.



Maybe in another life
I could find you there.
Pulled away before your time,
I can't deal, it's so unfair

And it feels
yeah it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it feels
yeah it feels like
the world is so cold
now that you've gone away.

Leaving flowers on your grave
to show that I still care
but black roses and hail maries
Can't bring back what's been taken from me

I reach to the sky
and call out your name
and if I could trade,
I would.

And it feels
yeah it feels like
heaven's so far away.
And it stings,
and it stings, yeah
the world is so cold
now that you've gone away.

it only rains when it's raining.

Today, it seems like everything - TV, facebook quotes, classes - is about death. It's so funny.....like the universe knows what happened today.

sure, we can talk about you.

So, today I came home from work, and while I'm eating dinner, I'm venting. Just telling my mom/dad/family about what went down today, and how ridiculous it was. and my dad kept interrupting. But it wasn't like, 'Oh, I totally agree.' No, it was 'MY work makes me do this,...' and 'I have to do this.' I kept trying to talk, to share, and it all kept coming back to him.

Perhaps this is why we don't get along? I know I'm not perfect, and that I've done that too....but it's like every conversation anymore. Yes, yes, the world revolves around you. Yes, tell me about your work and your stress and your anger, I'm just RIVETED. I'm trying to tell you something. You complain all the time, you bug me that we don't communicate, I don't share, I don't try. Well I am trying, feebly but all the same and you are turning it back to you. I'm trying to tell you things, and you're talking over me like you always do.

well, yes. He is.

I am near exploding, right now.

Does no one remember Stephanie? Does no one remember giving me hell because my boyfriend was going for italian ice and coffee and lunch with another girl? Or how about the girl he took to church? Or how about his coworkers, who are mostly female, his youth group with a bunch of pretty girls? That's right - my boyfriend hangs out with other girls, and I don't have a damn problem with it. I don't trust them but I trust him, and it takes two to tango, so I know that as long as he's involved nothing bad is going to happen.

Now. I have mostly female friends. I work with women. I don't really talk to any guys in my classes. I hang out with ONE guy - Ryan. One. And sure, we hang out a lot. But I hang out with Cassie a lot, too, and Ryan is like the only other person out here who wants to do things. So...why the double standard? Why can he be around women, but if I'm around a guy I need to be 'careful'? Ryan isn't going to do anything, he knows I'll kill him, and if he does anything...the friendship's over. Finito. So why is it so different?

It's not Chad's fault...he's been good about this. I'm just so sick of everyone else on my back, like if they don't remind me, I'm going to mess it all up for myself. I know I've made dumb decisions, but I love Chad, and I love what our future looks like, and I love who I am with him. He is incredible, and I know when I've struck gold....I'm not dumb, I'm not. I just wish my family and friends would have faith in me. It stings to see that even though I've come so far, I'll always be a fuck up in their eyes.

battle royale?

So...Ry and I are getting pretty close.

How can we not, right? He just met my boyfriend (went well) everytime we hang out, we pretty much just talk for hours about our deep feelings and stuff n junk....and I see him several times a week, we talk on facebook...he considers me a close friend, I consider him something of the like. The greatest thing is, it's not just me wanting to hang out...he plans things too, he calls me too, he messages me too. For once, I feel like someone wants to be my friend, instead of me trying so damn hard to keep my grip on them. He's basically in my top five right now, of closies - Chad, Cass, Lita, Ry and Cody. People who know things - you get it.

So we're talking lat night and Pj comes up, and Ryan tells me that he heard something about Pj from Jess V. , and I was like 'WHAT? He talks to her, and not me?'...I went on a very unflattering rant that I will not repeat, because Pj and I were once close, and now we're not, and it sucks. So. Today, Pj called me while I was at work. And I texted Ry and asked if he had said anything, and he said no....so we got into a whole conversation, and stuff, and then I had to go back to work.

So Ryan texts me later today, and is like 'Hey, I'm at Joe's and Pj is here!' Joe just so happens to live in the same development as Cass, who I was hanging out with later tonight. So while I'm waiting for Cass to get home, Ry texts me again and is like 'If your plans don't work out, or whatevs, you can totally come hang out here.' Which is awkward, because I've never even MET Joe, or Mike, or Mike's girlfriend, and so half of the people there I do not know well. And I'm like '...maybe?'

So I went. I stayed half an hour-ish, while Cass ate dinner, and it was weird. Pj and I talked for maybe five minutes, and it was stilted and awkward, while Ry helped Joe and a few other kids get firewood. When Ry came back, he sat with me and we talked, and it was like....comfortable. And nice. I was totally uncomfortable, and then I just wasn't. I don't know if I'm sad or happy...Pj doesn't remember where I work or the color of my eyes, he doesn't recall the edges of my personality, which is heartbreaking, to me. We were so close, once. But Ryan can make me laugh in an instant, knows the names of the kids who bug me, can tell when I'm uncomfortable. I have lost, and I have gained. It was just weird. I thought Pj's would be the most comforting face, but it wasn't.