Today is Katie and Sabrina's adoption day. I'm excited, I really am, and I love them. After work (I'm not going in 'til four!!!) I'm going to stop and get flowers for them AND Erin, whose adoption I missed, and who I love very, very much. I've been trying ot hug her daily, to let her know that she is loved, even if we don't always get along. I forgot to do it with Amanda, I forgot to do it with Lisa. I'll be damned if I'm going to forget to do it with Erin, and lose her too.
That's the thing. I am happy for them, but I am sad for me. I miss Lisa, so much. The other day I was sitting in church...it's so hard, it's so damn hard. I watch all these sisters, with their giggles and their secret language, the looks and smiles, the way they can communicate so many things with a simple shove, a raise of the eyebrows. I miss that so much, I feel this awful emptiness, this awful aching. I can't remember the way her laugh sounds. I can see it so clearly, the way she held her mouth open, eyes shut, but it's a picture with no sound, a stillframe in my head. I can't remember her walk, the way her elbow felt shoving into my side. My memories of her are slowly disintegrating, being watered down by the bitter ones, all her angry words and gestures, neglected phone calls and bored sighs. I'm afraid that I'll lose her forever, and she won't be anything more to me than an ache, a scar on my heart.
Everyone tries to tell me she was jealous, to label our relationship. They don't know, though - no one does. There is a secret world between sisters, with codes and languages, detailed histories and shared secrets. They don't know about her and Jimmy Carpenter, or the way we would get ready for church and bed together, always. We were so tightly connected for so long, shared so many secrets and late nights talking. There was a love there that no one will understand, both of us protecting eachother and loving, and being. That is gone, lost, and I feel so....
it just makes me sad. We were adopted together, and so many other things were done together, so that now I can't go anywhere without feeling this negativity next to me, like a placeholder waiting for her to come back and take up the space beside me. I'm skipping out of so many events, because I don't want to go without her, without my other half. I am learning to live with this, I am. And tommorrow, and the day after, everything will be okay, it will.
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