Boxed up
All of her favorite things
Sold the rest at a rainy yard sale
Big plans and leaving friends and
A westbound sign
Weighed out
Her choices on a scale
Prevailing nothing made sense
Just transportation and a
Blank decision... she's taking off
No time and no copping out
She's burning daylight and petrol
Blacked out the rearview mirror
Heading westward on
Strung out
On confusion road
And ten minute nervous breakdowns
Xanex a beer for thought
And she determined... She's taking off
Is it salvation?
Or an escape from discontent?
Will she find her name
In the California cement?
Punched out of the grind
That punched her one too many times...
Is tragedy 2000 miles away?
She's taking off
-Westbound Sign, Green Day
I'M GOING TO MICHIGAN - cue the Snoopy dances!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
well
My throat is scratchy, and my chest is filling with goo. I don't feel well at all, and there is so much to it than that.
I went to bed early. It's so sad, Carly's only been gone a day, and I already feel...empty. Having a companion always reminds me of how lonely my day-to-day life is. I'm such a social person, and everywhere I go, I talk to someone - so why do I feel so alone?
I'm going to see if Cass and I can get together tonight. Yes, I'm sick, and I have my abortion paper to work on, but I also need to worry about my mental well-being, right? Right. Besides, we need to discuss story, and I need more Green Day (I've been listening to Nimrod for two weeks straight now) AND, I think Cass could use a little goof-off time. Poor kid's been so busy, lately.
I wore the sandalwood bracelet today, along with a beaded one I got at Bloom Fair. I was reading the little paper about the meaning of sandalwood, and it was so...fitting. I mean, it's supposed to encourage me to live in the present, to be here, in this moment. It reminds me of something Shane said to me so long ago, about how I need to stop thinking so far ahead in my life, and enjoy the here and now, while it lasts. And so, tonight I will go to Cass's, and enjoy my life, as it is today.
I went to bed early. It's so sad, Carly's only been gone a day, and I already feel...empty. Having a companion always reminds me of how lonely my day-to-day life is. I'm such a social person, and everywhere I go, I talk to someone - so why do I feel so alone?
I'm going to see if Cass and I can get together tonight. Yes, I'm sick, and I have my abortion paper to work on, but I also need to worry about my mental well-being, right? Right. Besides, we need to discuss story, and I need more Green Day (I've been listening to Nimrod for two weeks straight now) AND, I think Cass could use a little goof-off time. Poor kid's been so busy, lately.
I wore the sandalwood bracelet today, along with a beaded one I got at Bloom Fair. I was reading the little paper about the meaning of sandalwood, and it was so...fitting. I mean, it's supposed to encourage me to live in the present, to be here, in this moment. It reminds me of something Shane said to me so long ago, about how I need to stop thinking so far ahead in my life, and enjoy the here and now, while it lasts. And so, tonight I will go to Cass's, and enjoy my life, as it is today.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
buicks
I hate watching people drive away.
This weekend was amazing. I love my friends...seriously, however shitty my life might be, I have the greatest circle of people around me. I love Cass, and the antics she brings, and Lyssa, and the understanding we have, and Carrie, who can make a connection with me in 2 seconds, no matter how long it's been between our sightings.
And Carly? Um, yeah. Love her. It's funny, because nothing worked out the way I thought it would. She didn't come to the church thing Friday night, we didn't actually reach the pretty house to take pictures (massive apologies, Lita) AND, saturday night was total bust fair-wise. Honestly, I've never even BEEN to bloom fair during daylight hours, so it was really, really weird today. But the rescue mission for Chad Friday night was amazing, even if it was hella stressful. The 5 mile in the rain walk on Sabbath was amazing, and it even made me all warm and fuzzy to show Lita my nana and pop's house, and all the things I loved about that place when I was a kid. And then the baking Saturnday night, and watching The Other Boleyn girl on my poor, slow computer.....2 hours of viewing, just to see maybe 50 minutes, all peppered with hilarious youtube videos (I do NOT wear diapers!) .....ah! And then the fair today, with the elephants! It was just so, so good, and it made me miss her. I miss having her down the hall, right where I can reach her. I miss the long walks and the rain storms, the tea parties....I remembered so many things about her, and our friendship, and the chemistry there that I'd somehow forgotten. Makes me so happy.
It was bittersweet. Why does Lisa get so mixed up in everything? I don't even know how she make me feel so sad somethimes. But there were all these times this weekend, where Carly and I would be having a great time, and I'd have this awful pang, like, 'how long has it been since I laughed like this with my sister?' All through church, I was just on the verge of tears. It's been so long since I sang a hymn near someone, near a girl with a decent voice, and it made me so sad. I remember singing with Lisa, and laughing when I would screw up the words to the hymns I didn't know. Sometimes, I miss her so much I can hardly breathe.
It was such a good weekend, however sad it might have been. I don't realize how lonely I get in the house, sisterless, until someone comes...watching the car pull out today, I got all sad, the same way I do when Charlie horse leaves. It's no different to have him, or her, or Cassie or Lyssa. Just as long as there's some here, to help fill the empty house again.
This weekend was amazing. I love my friends...seriously, however shitty my life might be, I have the greatest circle of people around me. I love Cass, and the antics she brings, and Lyssa, and the understanding we have, and Carrie, who can make a connection with me in 2 seconds, no matter how long it's been between our sightings.
And Carly? Um, yeah. Love her. It's funny, because nothing worked out the way I thought it would. She didn't come to the church thing Friday night, we didn't actually reach the pretty house to take pictures (massive apologies, Lita) AND, saturday night was total bust fair-wise. Honestly, I've never even BEEN to bloom fair during daylight hours, so it was really, really weird today. But the rescue mission for Chad Friday night was amazing, even if it was hella stressful. The 5 mile in the rain walk on Sabbath was amazing, and it even made me all warm and fuzzy to show Lita my nana and pop's house, and all the things I loved about that place when I was a kid. And then the baking Saturnday night, and watching The Other Boleyn girl on my poor, slow computer.....2 hours of viewing, just to see maybe 50 minutes, all peppered with hilarious youtube videos (I do NOT wear diapers!) .....ah! And then the fair today, with the elephants! It was just so, so good, and it made me miss her. I miss having her down the hall, right where I can reach her. I miss the long walks and the rain storms, the tea parties....I remembered so many things about her, and our friendship, and the chemistry there that I'd somehow forgotten. Makes me so happy.
It was bittersweet. Why does Lisa get so mixed up in everything? I don't even know how she make me feel so sad somethimes. But there were all these times this weekend, where Carly and I would be having a great time, and I'd have this awful pang, like, 'how long has it been since I laughed like this with my sister?' All through church, I was just on the verge of tears. It's been so long since I sang a hymn near someone, near a girl with a decent voice, and it made me so sad. I remember singing with Lisa, and laughing when I would screw up the words to the hymns I didn't know. Sometimes, I miss her so much I can hardly breathe.
It was such a good weekend, however sad it might have been. I don't realize how lonely I get in the house, sisterless, until someone comes...watching the car pull out today, I got all sad, the same way I do when Charlie horse leaves. It's no different to have him, or her, or Cassie or Lyssa. Just as long as there's some here, to help fill the empty house again.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
bruises upon bruises
She's sick. And then, I find out it was cancer, and then I find out the cancer's still there. With my mom, it's never over, right?
Of course not. Because if worrying myself sick for a few months isn't bad enough, adopto-mom drops ANOTHER bomb on me today. Stupid me, I asked if maybe we could call my grandmother, to see if she knew anything.
Adopto-mom reminds me that she moved recently, we don't have her number. But Marilyn must be alive, Jenn would've called if she was dead. In fact, she spoke with Jenn a few months ago, and Jenn said that since she got our of the hospital, she's been 'off'. Adopto-mom explains that that's probably why she hasn't called, and why she didn't send a birthday card.
"off"? Basically, my mom forgot that I exist. Nine months, it's been NINE MONTHS, and she's not sick, she's not hurt, she alive and a little 'off'', just enough to, you know, forget her fourth-born daughter.
It hurts. I don't know why I even care anymore, why I expect enough of her to be constantly dissappointed, but I can hardly breathe. I've accepted that I wasn't important enough to take care of, and not worth the bother of fighting for. But a card, or a phone call? I'm not even worth remembering, now? I wish I didn't know her. What's the point? Fifteen years I've been visiting her off the books, trying to figure out where she fits into my life. And silly me, I can't stop crying, because my mom forgot me.
Of course not. Because if worrying myself sick for a few months isn't bad enough, adopto-mom drops ANOTHER bomb on me today. Stupid me, I asked if maybe we could call my grandmother, to see if she knew anything.
Adopto-mom reminds me that she moved recently, we don't have her number. But Marilyn must be alive, Jenn would've called if she was dead. In fact, she spoke with Jenn a few months ago, and Jenn said that since she got our of the hospital, she's been 'off'. Adopto-mom explains that that's probably why she hasn't called, and why she didn't send a birthday card.
"off"? Basically, my mom forgot that I exist. Nine months, it's been NINE MONTHS, and she's not sick, she's not hurt, she alive and a little 'off'', just enough to, you know, forget her fourth-born daughter.
It hurts. I don't know why I even care anymore, why I expect enough of her to be constantly dissappointed, but I can hardly breathe. I've accepted that I wasn't important enough to take care of, and not worth the bother of fighting for. But a card, or a phone call? I'm not even worth remembering, now? I wish I didn't know her. What's the point? Fifteen years I've been visiting her off the books, trying to figure out where she fits into my life. And silly me, I can't stop crying, because my mom forgot me.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
RIP
The things I count as lost ....
-my sister
-my relationship with pj
- the best-friendship with lyssa
-ditto for moo
-my hopes of having a cat/dog while home
-my close friendship with Erika
- my respect for Matt
.......
-my sister
-my relationship with pj
- the best-friendship with lyssa
-ditto for moo
-my hopes of having a cat/dog while home
-my close friendship with Erika
- my respect for Matt
.......
Thursday, September 17, 2009
you don't know
Today is Katie and Sabrina's adoption day. I'm excited, I really am, and I love them. After work (I'm not going in 'til four!!!) I'm going to stop and get flowers for them AND Erin, whose adoption I missed, and who I love very, very much. I've been trying ot hug her daily, to let her know that she is loved, even if we don't always get along. I forgot to do it with Amanda, I forgot to do it with Lisa. I'll be damned if I'm going to forget to do it with Erin, and lose her too.
That's the thing. I am happy for them, but I am sad for me. I miss Lisa, so much. The other day I was sitting in church...it's so hard, it's so damn hard. I watch all these sisters, with their giggles and their secret language, the looks and smiles, the way they can communicate so many things with a simple shove, a raise of the eyebrows. I miss that so much, I feel this awful emptiness, this awful aching. I can't remember the way her laugh sounds. I can see it so clearly, the way she held her mouth open, eyes shut, but it's a picture with no sound, a stillframe in my head. I can't remember her walk, the way her elbow felt shoving into my side. My memories of her are slowly disintegrating, being watered down by the bitter ones, all her angry words and gestures, neglected phone calls and bored sighs. I'm afraid that I'll lose her forever, and she won't be anything more to me than an ache, a scar on my heart.
Everyone tries to tell me she was jealous, to label our relationship. They don't know, though - no one does. There is a secret world between sisters, with codes and languages, detailed histories and shared secrets. They don't know about her and Jimmy Carpenter, or the way we would get ready for church and bed together, always. We were so tightly connected for so long, shared so many secrets and late nights talking. There was a love there that no one will understand, both of us protecting eachother and loving, and being. That is gone, lost, and I feel so....
it just makes me sad. We were adopted together, and so many other things were done together, so that now I can't go anywhere without feeling this negativity next to me, like a placeholder waiting for her to come back and take up the space beside me. I'm skipping out of so many events, because I don't want to go without her, without my other half. I am learning to live with this, I am. And tommorrow, and the day after, everything will be okay, it will.
That's the thing. I am happy for them, but I am sad for me. I miss Lisa, so much. The other day I was sitting in church...it's so hard, it's so damn hard. I watch all these sisters, with their giggles and their secret language, the looks and smiles, the way they can communicate so many things with a simple shove, a raise of the eyebrows. I miss that so much, I feel this awful emptiness, this awful aching. I can't remember the way her laugh sounds. I can see it so clearly, the way she held her mouth open, eyes shut, but it's a picture with no sound, a stillframe in my head. I can't remember her walk, the way her elbow felt shoving into my side. My memories of her are slowly disintegrating, being watered down by the bitter ones, all her angry words and gestures, neglected phone calls and bored sighs. I'm afraid that I'll lose her forever, and she won't be anything more to me than an ache, a scar on my heart.
Everyone tries to tell me she was jealous, to label our relationship. They don't know, though - no one does. There is a secret world between sisters, with codes and languages, detailed histories and shared secrets. They don't know about her and Jimmy Carpenter, or the way we would get ready for church and bed together, always. We were so tightly connected for so long, shared so many secrets and late nights talking. There was a love there that no one will understand, both of us protecting eachother and loving, and being. That is gone, lost, and I feel so....
it just makes me sad. We were adopted together, and so many other things were done together, so that now I can't go anywhere without feeling this negativity next to me, like a placeholder waiting for her to come back and take up the space beside me. I'm skipping out of so many events, because I don't want to go without her, without my other half. I am learning to live with this, I am. And tommorrow, and the day after, everything will be okay, it will.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
she
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind.
Waiting for a sign
to smash the silence with
the brick of self-control.
Are you locked up in a world
that's been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool
without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you.
She's figured out
all her doubts were someone else's point of view.
Waking up this time to
smash the silence with the brick of self-control.
Are you locked up in a world
that's been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool
without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you.
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you.
yet again, Green Day sings the story of my life
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind.
Waiting for a sign
to smash the silence with
the brick of self-control.
Are you locked up in a world
that's been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool
without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you.
She's figured out
all her doubts were someone else's point of view.
Waking up this time to
smash the silence with the brick of self-control.
Are you locked up in a world
that's been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool
without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you.
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you.
yet again, Green Day sings the story of my life
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