bustin' cappillaries

More conniptions.

Cass and I didn't hang out the way we had planned tonight, which is so stupid and small, especially since she didn't promise anything. It lead to much gnashing of the teeth, popping of the cappillaries, and, ultimately, me doing a whole lot of writing/watching Green Day on FUSE/ playing sims. Which is not such a bad thing, I suppose, but it seems so silly for my whole world to melt down because I cannot get out of the house.

Lisa called, also. It was so fake and ridiculous. Who is that girl? I don't know her. I had to get off the phone with her. She seriously, honest to God went 'So how are your parents?' My parents? Mine? Excuse me, miss runs-away-from-her-problems-and-fucks-over-everyone-she-loves, they are YOUR parents, too, just like I am your sister. Or was. I don't even know what to think of it, or how to feel. I just wish this could all be over. It is so damn excruciating to watch all of this happen, to never be able to do anything, to speed it up or stop it. My sister's insanity, my mother slowly rotting away. So many things that matter to me are being ripped from my hands, and I am powerless to stop it, to salvage the pieces.

That is what I mean, about the restlessness...or at least, why I think it is happening. I can't hold still knowing all of this is going on. It's a distraction, yes, but more than that, writing, hanging out, doing something, constantly being in motion...it makes me feel like I am doing something. No, going out with Cass will not keep my mother from dying, and no, it will not make my sister into a normal functioning human being. But. It means I am doing something, something other than sitting around and letting it all happen. So, yeah.

The thing is, a lot of people still don't know about Marilyn being super-sick (and currently unaccounted for - WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!?) . for instance, miss alyssa. I wrote a few poems concerning the whole ordeal. They didn't specifically say 'hey everyone, my mom is real sick!', but they had to do with taking her place, and the last one is just about all of this...me, coping with it in this bizzarre way. No one gets it, though. I mean, AP has turned into all of us just bitching about eachother, and if it isn't about them, they don't care. What the hell, right? I don't know, maybe i should just come out and say it, but in conversation, it doesn't come out right. I hate saying it to people's faces, or even over the phone, because it all sounds so weak. My mom is sick. I'm scared. Everything is falling around me, and I don't know what will happen...I don't even know where she is right now, or how sick she is, or if she is dead on the side of a road somewhere, rotting away because nobody really cares, no one ever has, and it was my job to know, my job to care, and I didn't know, I didn't know at all. How can the world keep turning, how can no one notice at all, when I feel like I can't even breathe without the Earth shaking?