Angela Park

This weekend was...amazing. I feel like me again, the me that I thought totally died last summer. Maybe it is the music, or hanging out with Cass so much. All I know is, on Sabbath we went to Angela Park, and then on Sunday, I was driving at 3:30 in the morning with charlie horse, and the sky was dark with these crazy orange Mordor clouds over this one town, and it was like we were on some incredible journey. All of a sudden, everything felt okay...more than okay. Good, right, happy. I was in love with life, today, and it was wonderful.

Angela Park was soooo cool. The Balloon festival was amazing, but I will get to that another day. Today, it's all about Angela. It used to be an amusment park from the late 50s to the early 80s...my mom spent most of her childhood there. It got shut down, and then things got plowed over, and then they filled in the pool. That kind of sucked - it was supposedly the biggest public pool in PA, or something crazy like that. People used to skate in the pool, before it was filled in (with dirt). Now, it's this crazy hole of grass and bugs and animals and stuff. I had so much fun walking around and taking pictures, trying to figure out what was a ride..I found what I think is part of a scrambler, the mini golf course, the baseball and basketball courts, and the pool. Chad and I walked along the mini train trail, but the tracks were all ripped up, so we didn't know it until later.

Going to Pasalacqua

So, I have been listening to Green Day's first album, a combination of records they made early on. The album is 1,039/ Smoothed Out Slappy Hours, and there is this amazing song. It is really pretty, and the words are awesome, but it is so much better when you actually hear the song. Here are the lyrics, anyway.....

Going to Pasalacqua

Here we go again, infatuation
Touches me just when I thought that it would end
Oh but then again it seems
Much more than that but
I'm not sure exactly what you're thinking

I toss and turn all night
Thinking of your ways of affection
But to find that it's not different at all
I throw away my past mistakes
And contemplate my future that's when I say...
What the hey!?!?

Would I last forever?
You and I together, hand and hand
We run away (far away)
I'm in for nasty weather
But I'll take whatever you can give that comes my way (far away)

Look it up...it's freakin' amazing. <3

biohazzard orange and barbie pink

I absolutely hate words.

It seems like lately, I cannot find the words to express anything I'm feeling, even this stuff with my mom. AUC is loosing its accredidation, so it looks like I'll be going to Andrews the fall after this one. Which, I would be excited for, if it didn't mean leaving behind things...

I keep saying I don't have to choose, I can have both, but nobody thinks it's possible, save Cass, and I don't know. I hate how it is turning out, and I hate that no words can express what's going on in my head. It's ridiculous, and it sucks.

I painted my toenails biohazzard orange (courtesy of Lita's abandoned stash) and then did a layer of this obnoxious Bonbon color...it's bright, sparkly barbie pink. They look so disgusting and bright and happy and...girly. Which is exactly the opposite of the way I feel right now. Maybe they are just toenails. Myabe they do not say anything deep, but right now it is nice to have one part of me, one tiny little piece of me that is, for all points and purposes, happy.

bustin' cappillaries

More conniptions.

Cass and I didn't hang out the way we had planned tonight, which is so stupid and small, especially since she didn't promise anything. It lead to much gnashing of the teeth, popping of the cappillaries, and, ultimately, me doing a whole lot of writing/watching Green Day on FUSE/ playing sims. Which is not such a bad thing, I suppose, but it seems so silly for my whole world to melt down because I cannot get out of the house.

Lisa called, also. It was so fake and ridiculous. Who is that girl? I don't know her. I had to get off the phone with her. She seriously, honest to God went 'So how are your parents?' My parents? Mine? Excuse me, miss runs-away-from-her-problems-and-fucks-over-everyone-she-loves, they are YOUR parents, too, just like I am your sister. Or was. I don't even know what to think of it, or how to feel. I just wish this could all be over. It is so damn excruciating to watch all of this happen, to never be able to do anything, to speed it up or stop it. My sister's insanity, my mother slowly rotting away. So many things that matter to me are being ripped from my hands, and I am powerless to stop it, to salvage the pieces.

That is what I mean, about the restlessness...or at least, why I think it is happening. I can't hold still knowing all of this is going on. It's a distraction, yes, but more than that, writing, hanging out, doing something, constantly being in motion...it makes me feel like I am doing something. No, going out with Cass will not keep my mother from dying, and no, it will not make my sister into a normal functioning human being. But. It means I am doing something, something other than sitting around and letting it all happen. So, yeah.

The thing is, a lot of people still don't know about Marilyn being super-sick (and currently unaccounted for - WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!?) . for instance, miss alyssa. I wrote a few poems concerning the whole ordeal. They didn't specifically say 'hey everyone, my mom is real sick!', but they had to do with taking her place, and the last one is just about all of this...me, coping with it in this bizzarre way. No one gets it, though. I mean, AP has turned into all of us just bitching about eachother, and if it isn't about them, they don't care. What the hell, right? I don't know, maybe i should just come out and say it, but in conversation, it doesn't come out right. I hate saying it to people's faces, or even over the phone, because it all sounds so weak. My mom is sick. I'm scared. Everything is falling around me, and I don't know what will happen...I don't even know where she is right now, or how sick she is, or if she is dead on the side of a road somewhere, rotting away because nobody really cares, no one ever has, and it was my job to know, my job to care, and I didn't know, I didn't know at all. How can the world keep turning, how can no one notice at all, when I feel like I can't even breathe without the Earth shaking?

hangnails

Ugh.

There has been all this drama, and it all involves friends who are no longer friends and people who don't want to talk and it is all entirely ridiculous. We keep saying that we don't want to do the highschool drama thing, well, what are we doing? Hmn?

I want plans tommorrow night. And the night after that, and the night after that. I want to not think, not feel, just be out and busy, because home hurts and my head hurts and my heart hurts, and I am so sick of everything. I don't even know what I want anymore, what and who are important to me, or where I want my life to be headed. Everything keeps changing again, each time I look at it, and nothing is what I thought it was, and I am coming to find that you can't have everything you want...sometimes, you don't get anything at all.

It is impossible for me to hold still

I had a conniption today. Why? I have no plans tonight.

Ever since the Boston drama / writing of LSON started, I have been out almost every night. I have been eating less (lost 5 pounds, woot woot!) , as I think my stomach shrank a little while I was stressed, and I have been sleeping a lot less too. I am pretty happy about all of this. I have less fat and more time, and I am reading and writing and hanging out to my little heart's content.

So what is the problem? The problem is that when this whirlwind of activity stops, I find myself having a mini panic attack. I am currently incapable of holding still. I don't want to be home, even if I'm home writing. I want to be busy, laughing, smiling, active at all times. I want to be shining and bright and just absolutely stunning, like star filled with energy, like a comet that never, ever stops soaring. And why? Why am I so anxious to be active, why can't I hold still?

I am distraught inside. My sister is gone. I will never be a happy person, not the way I used to be, because she is gone and not a part of my lifew and I miss her. I keep thinking I will adjust, but I don't, it just becomes a different kind of pain. She is my sister, my other half, and my life without her is missing something, and it hurts.

There is more. My mother is dying. She is missing a kidney, and she will need another one, because the one she has isn't very functional, and, you know, she's abusing the crap out of it. I don't know how I can deal with that, honestly. I just...I can't fathom myself without that constant balance, that pulling, tugging, awful feeling she holds me with. She is my mother, she is a burden, she has passed on so many horrible qualities, she has complicated my life so much. And yet I love her so much, so much that I still feel rejected by her, so much that seeing her in the hospital set me over the edge each time. One comment about her not being in a good condition today completely threw off my day, leaving me a mess. I love my mom. She is such a huge part of who I am, and she has strongly influenced what I want to be, even if it is mostly out of fear of becoming her.

Part of me wants to believe that she will bounce back, because she always used to. In the past few years, though, she has been getting sicker and sicker, until now, she doesn't even look like herself. She had cancer on that kidney, and not enough money to do anything to prevent it for her other one. Am I willing to give up a kidney for her, knowing she will probably destroy it? Am I even the same blood type as her? My mother might die, and I am trying to prepare myself for it. Jen once said that she's always waiting for that call, always on the endge, knowing it could happen any day. It's become a reality, now, a real, true anticipation. It is a huge possibility, a likely one, and I know I am not fit to handle it, I am not capable. I will not be okay if it happens, and I am afraid, so afraid. I love her.

right now

I have been everywhere, all over, and I have decided that there is only one way to summarize my life right now - another list.

10 Things I wish I could say to 10 people right now...


1. Exclusion isn't my thing - find another friend, please.

2. I can't trust you when you push things, and it kills our relationship.

3. Stop stressing, and enjoy being the beautiful person you are - there's a reason we love you so much.

4. We can make this work, and if we can't I'll die trying.

5. Seriously? You are so immature it makes my head explode.

6. If you stopped being an asshole, we might be pretty good friends.

7. Do you want to be my friend, or do you want to save me? You can't have both.

8. Cut the drama - let's enjoy our youth, eh?

9. Your sudden excitement makes me wonder if you valued me before I came around.

10. Stop letting people walk on you - you are awesome, and they will stomp it out.