understood

I keep speaking. But the words...they aren't working for me, anymore. I say things, and what come out isn't what I mean. Or, it isn't heard the way I meant it. And I keep wanting to say, no, you've got it all wrong.

But I'm sick of defending myself. I'm tired. I don't want to play that 'nobody understands' card....but I'm feeling so alone. So alone in the loss of my mom, so alone in my relationship confusion, so alone in my head. And I just want someone to come in, strip off their opinions, and help me sort this out. I don't know what I want. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know. I'm sick of walking with fake purpose though, I don't want to look back and see that I bought something because I'd look stupid if I didn't, or because I was in line anyway. I want a life that I meant, a life that I chose, and I want all the people in it to feel chosen. I know what it is to be a burden, to be something that just happened, an accident. I won't do that to anyone else.