two inches tall

I had an amazing weekend...friends over, went out a bunch, really loved it. I baked and I tanned and I've been feeling really good about life, this weekend. But today.

Today I woke up and started cleaning everything. Bugsy won't stop texting me, and all I could think about were the people I missed. I miss Lisa...summer was our time. We used to lay out by the pool, we used to let the radio play. We used to love this time of day, when it's hot and lazy. And my mom.....the farmer's market will be in the square in a few weeks, but she won't be there. I don't know why that thought hurts more than anything else has, but it does.

So they got home from camping and it was just...why didn't you do this, you did this and this and this wrong, why didn't you do that? Go do this now, but do this too, and my dad parked my car because no one would tell me where to park it, and he parked it a fucking ditch. My car, my baby.......they know how careful I am with it, how protective I feel, and I trusted him and he parked it in a fucking ditch, right by the trees with the blowing and the scratching.....

i just...she makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I try so hard every time to clean the way she wants, and it's always wrong, but if I don't try she gets even angrier, and it's just so frustrating. I just want to do it right, and I never can.

boogers

I stayed at Alyssa's last night, and now I am congested.

Everyone was drunk, but it wasn't bad. Apparantly, Carrie's the only one who pressures me, so overall it's not that awful. I didn't touch anything, but I wasn't judgey either, which is new for me.

Overall, not awful. Parts were weird and others hilarious, but by morning I really wanted to be gone. No one was hungover, just awkward. I got out of there quickly, problem solved.

understood

I keep speaking. But the words...they aren't working for me, anymore. I say things, and what come out isn't what I mean. Or, it isn't heard the way I meant it. And I keep wanting to say, no, you've got it all wrong.

But I'm sick of defending myself. I'm tired. I don't want to play that 'nobody understands' card....but I'm feeling so alone. So alone in the loss of my mom, so alone in my relationship confusion, so alone in my head. And I just want someone to come in, strip off their opinions, and help me sort this out. I don't know what I want. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know. I'm sick of walking with fake purpose though, I don't want to look back and see that I bought something because I'd look stupid if I didn't, or because I was in line anyway. I want a life that I meant, a life that I chose, and I want all the people in it to feel chosen. I know what it is to be a burden, to be something that just happened, an accident. I won't do that to anyone else.

bugsy

So, this old friend Travis and I facebooked. And facebook turned into chatting, which turned into texting, and now we're meeting up for coffee. It makes me really happy that he wants to get in contact again, that I'm important to him.

It also kind of hurts, when I compare it to Pj, who couldn't care less. Like, what the hell? I thought I was important to him. Obviously, you don't have to let the chips fall where they may - you can pick them up, you can rearrange them. We don't have to call it quits, we don't have to give up when it's hard. But I can't do this on my own...

fancy party

Last night was Joe's fancy party. I wore the white dress and looked pretty, with my hair all curled and fancy-like, AND I made cookies. Chocolate with chocolate chunks and chocolate chips. I wanted to put peanut butter, too, but Joe's allergic. So.

When Ry and I got there, no one else was around, and we hung around in the front yard. Brad and Madison got there, then....and soon, it was all couples - Joe and Kelora, Brad and Madison, Becca and Mike....and then me, and Ryan, which made things weird. But I guess we're used tothat by now, so we all hung out and I was really quiet and shy...but then everyone went upstairs, where all the band equipment is, and the guys started jamming. Kelora and Madison went downstairs soon - Brad was still down there - and it was just Becca and I, watching Mike and Ryan with their guitars, and Joe on drums.

They were really good. They were just jamming, no big deal...but it was cool. I liked being there a lot, with the loud noise, and all three guys enjoying themselves SO MUCH, and this awesome music coming out of people I know. They would see if they could turn one song into another, and there was just this awesome feeling of challenging one another, seeing how far they could get....I know that feeling, I know how good it feels to see how long or well I can write, how long of a stretch I can go before I look up, how in the zone I can get. And it was so cool, to see someone else in that place, joy evident on their faces.
Joe went downstairs, and eventually Becca did too. the three of us hung out, with Mike and Ryan taking turns doing drums, until Jess came up and got me, and then we chilled for a while. I fit in there, and it was weird becasue I thought I'd be uncomfortable. Once it wasn't all couples, I didn't feel like such an intruder, though, and I loosened up...I had a really, really good time. Which is good, because this week is going to suck, and this weekend is mother's day which means it will super suck, and I dunno....I'm just glad I had one good night, before all the stress sets in.