I understand.

My uncle hung himself last week. What's interesting is that I had just finished reading 'The Virgin Suicides' the week before....which in no way advoates suicide. In fact, the end is pretty anti-.

But there's this line. "In the end, the tortures tearing the Lisbon girls pointed to a simple reasoned refusal to accept the world as it was handed down to them, so full of flaws." We accept the fact that things will not be perfect, in fact that they will grow worse and worse. We accept that our relatipnships will crumble, our marriages will be struggles, that at some point, we will feel as though the entire world is a gun pointed at us. This is life as we know it, and so we take it with its depression and its murders, we accept the dying love and the failing relationships, the friends who don't call and mothers who kill their babies, and we set our hearts on being dissappointed, because you can't expect perfection. We acknowledge that though we may give all of ourselves away in love, we may never get a whole person in return.

My uncle refused this reality. I may not agree, but I understand.

unfriended

So, facebook is wonderful, and all. But sometimes, it hurts.

I have to try and not take it personally when people unfriend me. Because maybe they have a reason, or something...maybe we just don't talk, and they only want people they talk to. But every time it happens, it's like: BAM! Rejected.

Chad unfriended me. And honestly, I was like 'why?'. and then I was like, 'whatever'. Because I guess I can see why he'd be mad, or not want much to do with me. So I just moved on.

Today, I found out that his best friend David unfriended me. That hurt. I always liked David, he's always been so nice to me, and he made the more frustrating times really fun. I thought we were kind of friends, but aparently, I was only his friend by proxy, because I was Chad's girlfriend. I guess it could be a solidarity thing, too. Because I supposedly cheated, right? So David unfriends me to be a good friend, even though my friends are all still being nice to Chad, who's been a fucking ass to me.

.....I'm just so sick of this. I don't want to be the bad guy anymore. I know there is less attention being paid than I feel like, but at the same time, it seems like everyone I talk to has an opinion, and the fact that Chad is making it seem like I cheated really upsets me. I was a good girlfriend. I told him I wasn't happy, and he ignored me....what else was I supposed to do? Yes, I found a guy who appreciates me....can you fucking blame me? Because he's sad I'm supposed to never be happy again?

What the fuck ever.