camping

I just got back from camping...and it totally sucked. It was awful, and even when Chad came...he just doesn't mesh with my family, it doesn't work. He's fabulous, he's all the things I love, but all of those things are things they don't understand, and so they look at him like some kind of toad, and I can see my mom cocking her head, like 'why do you want him?', the same way she used to look at me when I picked out a weird pair of shoes. He is not in line with The Plan, all the things they would love for me to want, to be, and I know it bothers her. It bothers me that I know this, and no one will ever aknowledge it as truth, because it is not a pretty truth.

I guess that was the biggest problem, here. They are complacent, they are happy, and it just pisses me off, because I'm not. They are content to let her go, but I can't do that, I can't just pretend that we are a big, happy family, we camp, and we go to the beach and we are so happy, right? No. No, no, no. There is no family, not without her, not when one of us has been so easily cast aside. I want to scream, so loud, that we are not alright, and we need to stop pretending. We need to rip our clothes and scream and cry and mourn, we need to fight for her, we need to woo her back, or at least try. What kind of family just lets people fall to the wayside?

I think they are trying to mask it all. I don't know, I know I sound like Dr. Phil, but all this camper crap...they need a bigger one, then camping will be awesome! And the new SUV will make everything better! I hated being there, the beach was so crowded, and because I don't like having people all over, everywhere, I am antisocial. It was so hard to be there, when I can't budge these 10 pounds and everyone was so damn skinny and it just felt like they were all looking at me, judging me, thinking about my fat and my thighs. Girls like me do not belong at the beach, not during peak hours. And the campground was SO crowded, and there were like, two trees in the whole damn place, and all I could think about was Lisa. If she was there, we would have been bumming around together, laughing. We would have been tanning, and when we went in the ocean we would comment on everyone and everything, and we would giggle and be stupid. I miss her. I miss who I am when I'm with her, or when I was with her. I feel like since she left, I haven't really been myself, or the me that I liked being. Everything feels out of balance, like a huge chunk of me is gone, and everyone keeps looking at me, like 'why are you upset? everything is fine.' No, it's not. It hasn't been, not for a long time. The beach, vacation, summer...none of it has been right since she left, and I wish someone other than me would say it.