I just got back from camping...and it totally sucked. It was awful, and even when Chad came...he just doesn't mesh with my family, it doesn't work. He's fabulous, he's all the things I love, but all of those things are things they don't understand, and so they look at him like some kind of toad, and I can see my mom cocking her head, like 'why do you want him?', the same way she used to look at me when I picked out a weird pair of shoes. He is not in line with The Plan, all the things they would love for me to want, to be, and I know it bothers her. It bothers me that I know this, and no one will ever aknowledge it as truth, because it is not a pretty truth.
I guess that was the biggest problem, here. They are complacent, they are happy, and it just pisses me off, because I'm not. They are content to let her go, but I can't do that, I can't just pretend that we are a big, happy family, we camp, and we go to the beach and we are so happy, right? No. No, no, no. There is no family, not without her, not when one of us has been so easily cast aside. I want to scream, so loud, that we are not alright, and we need to stop pretending. We need to rip our clothes and scream and cry and mourn, we need to fight for her, we need to woo her back, or at least try. What kind of family just lets people fall to the wayside?
I think they are trying to mask it all. I don't know, I know I sound like Dr. Phil, but all this camper crap...they need a bigger one, then camping will be awesome! And the new SUV will make everything better! I hated being there, the beach was so crowded, and because I don't like having people all over, everywhere, I am antisocial. It was so hard to be there, when I can't budge these 10 pounds and everyone was so damn skinny and it just felt like they were all looking at me, judging me, thinking about my fat and my thighs. Girls like me do not belong at the beach, not during peak hours. And the campground was SO crowded, and there were like, two trees in the whole damn place, and all I could think about was Lisa. If she was there, we would have been bumming around together, laughing. We would have been tanning, and when we went in the ocean we would comment on everyone and everything, and we would giggle and be stupid. I miss her. I miss who I am when I'm with her, or when I was with her. I feel like since she left, I haven't really been myself, or the me that I liked being. Everything feels out of balance, like a huge chunk of me is gone, and everyone keeps looking at me, like 'why are you upset? everything is fine.' No, it's not. It hasn't been, not for a long time. The beach, vacation, summer...none of it has been right since she left, and I wish someone other than me would say it.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Say Anything...
Last night was both more and less than I thought it would be. And you know, I think I'm okay with that.
I slept a long time Friday night - went to bed around 12:30, woke up at 10:30. I watched church, ate an apple bomb that I made the night before (basically apple dumplings in a casserole dish, surrounded by more apples with lots of butter, brown sugar and cinnamon. ) then had some Ramen. When I thought I was going to fall asleep, I went over to my grandparents, hung out for a while, and came home. By 4:00, I was napping...woke up at 7:30, and started getting ready for guests.
Originally, it was supposed to be Cass, Tom and myself. Tom and I have had a good thing going, and I kind of want to see if we can have a real, functioning friendship...while I'm still in town, why not, right? I mean, I can always use more friends, and as long as he doesn't get fresh with me (which he hasn't yet - I think he knows half of the town would be after him) it's kind of nice hanging out with him. He was uber exhausted, though, and Rach wanted to know if she could come. so, Cass and Rach came over.
For the first couple hours, we didn't do much of anything. We just kind of talked, Cass and I caught up on writing, Rachel did her own thing. Then, we grabbed the CD player and went swimming...Cass and I have a tradition now where we play this old, ridiculous Celine Dion CD whenever we swim, so that's what we played. Rach wanted to skinny dip, so we did. we played volleyball with a beach ball, and played Truth, which wasn't as fun as I wanted it to be. It was okay, I guess, but not the soul-hitting way it was when Cass, Tom and I played the other night. Around midnight I brought us each out a Monster, since Cass and I were planning on watching the sunrise, and we drank them in the pool ( I didn't spill any, I swear). We went in soon after that, Rach got a shower, and more hanging out ensued.
Around 3:30 or something like that, Cass and I put 'Say Anything...' on. Rachel fell asleep on my couch, and Cass and I wrote in hte dark while we watched. I've seen it on TV so many times, but I never bothered to stop and watch, because the description always sounded so boring. Seriously, though, it's so good. I heart John Cusack, and this was so cute, and parts of it were so sad, so enfuriating...I mean, it was more than just some stupid love story, there was so much more to it than that. Plus, it has that scene, that's been copied about a billion times, where he holds the boombox up outside her window, and it's playing the song they made love to..<3
Cass had to leave at 5:30, so when the movie was off I made her a quick breakfast, walked her to her car, and got settled. I took my comforter downstairs and settled in on the love seat..fell asleep around 6:15, woke up at 8:45 and made Rachel banana pancakes, while listening to Green Day. She was gone by 9:30, and so I cleaned up, and have been chilling ever since. Like I said, it really wasn't what I was expecting, but it was still a good time.
Cass read ' A Temporary Matter' and ADORED it...she even liked the ending, which made me happy. I mean, that ending is like a punch to the throat, and either you like that kind of story, or you just sit there going ' Why on earth would she write that? That's a terrible, terrible thing to write.' Amd it is a terrible ending...but life is like that. That's what I love about Jhumpa Lahiri...her endings aren't the happy, everything winds up beautiful kind, or the cruel twist of irony kind. They're just so...real. The protagonist doesn't get everything they want, and if it is a happy ending, it is not a perfect one, just a not-sad, there is hope kind of ending. Her sad ones are the best, though, in my opinion. She really captures humanity at those raw, broken moments, and as you read your breath catches in your throat, and you sit there reading this, in awe, because it is a mirror reflection of life, real life...probably your life, even. Her books are beautiful, and I adore her...I should go check to see if she has more stuff coming out.
Speaking of books, I can't wait to get to B&N. I found this collection of Beth Henley plays that I'm pretty sure will be amazing. I mean, I already really, really want 'Am I Blue?'...it's my favorite play, ever. But her other stuff? I'm dying to see that, too, to read it and know it and absorb it. She is such an amazing author.
Goodness! I'm all happy now! My pinky is no longer sore, so I am going to go write more Lost Song. Cass is 10 pages ahead, and I really want to catch up with her today. Plus, I did some research, so I can make things more realistic this time around.
I slept a long time Friday night - went to bed around 12:30, woke up at 10:30. I watched church, ate an apple bomb that I made the night before (basically apple dumplings in a casserole dish, surrounded by more apples with lots of butter, brown sugar and cinnamon. ) then had some Ramen. When I thought I was going to fall asleep, I went over to my grandparents, hung out for a while, and came home. By 4:00, I was napping...woke up at 7:30, and started getting ready for guests.
Originally, it was supposed to be Cass, Tom and myself. Tom and I have had a good thing going, and I kind of want to see if we can have a real, functioning friendship...while I'm still in town, why not, right? I mean, I can always use more friends, and as long as he doesn't get fresh with me (which he hasn't yet - I think he knows half of the town would be after him) it's kind of nice hanging out with him. He was uber exhausted, though, and Rach wanted to know if she could come. so, Cass and Rach came over.
For the first couple hours, we didn't do much of anything. We just kind of talked, Cass and I caught up on writing, Rachel did her own thing. Then, we grabbed the CD player and went swimming...Cass and I have a tradition now where we play this old, ridiculous Celine Dion CD whenever we swim, so that's what we played. Rach wanted to skinny dip, so we did. we played volleyball with a beach ball, and played Truth, which wasn't as fun as I wanted it to be. It was okay, I guess, but not the soul-hitting way it was when Cass, Tom and I played the other night. Around midnight I brought us each out a Monster, since Cass and I were planning on watching the sunrise, and we drank them in the pool ( I didn't spill any, I swear). We went in soon after that, Rach got a shower, and more hanging out ensued.
Around 3:30 or something like that, Cass and I put 'Say Anything...' on. Rachel fell asleep on my couch, and Cass and I wrote in hte dark while we watched. I've seen it on TV so many times, but I never bothered to stop and watch, because the description always sounded so boring. Seriously, though, it's so good. I heart John Cusack, and this was so cute, and parts of it were so sad, so enfuriating...I mean, it was more than just some stupid love story, there was so much more to it than that. Plus, it has that scene, that's been copied about a billion times, where he holds the boombox up outside her window, and it's playing the song they made love to..<3
Cass had to leave at 5:30, so when the movie was off I made her a quick breakfast, walked her to her car, and got settled. I took my comforter downstairs and settled in on the love seat..fell asleep around 6:15, woke up at 8:45 and made Rachel banana pancakes, while listening to Green Day. She was gone by 9:30, and so I cleaned up, and have been chilling ever since. Like I said, it really wasn't what I was expecting, but it was still a good time.
Cass read ' A Temporary Matter' and ADORED it...she even liked the ending, which made me happy. I mean, that ending is like a punch to the throat, and either you like that kind of story, or you just sit there going ' Why on earth would she write that? That's a terrible, terrible thing to write.' Amd it is a terrible ending...but life is like that. That's what I love about Jhumpa Lahiri...her endings aren't the happy, everything winds up beautiful kind, or the cruel twist of irony kind. They're just so...real. The protagonist doesn't get everything they want, and if it is a happy ending, it is not a perfect one, just a not-sad, there is hope kind of ending. Her sad ones are the best, though, in my opinion. She really captures humanity at those raw, broken moments, and as you read your breath catches in your throat, and you sit there reading this, in awe, because it is a mirror reflection of life, real life...probably your life, even. Her books are beautiful, and I adore her...I should go check to see if she has more stuff coming out.
Speaking of books, I can't wait to get to B&N. I found this collection of Beth Henley plays that I'm pretty sure will be amazing. I mean, I already really, really want 'Am I Blue?'...it's my favorite play, ever. But her other stuff? I'm dying to see that, too, to read it and know it and absorb it. She is such an amazing author.
Goodness! I'm all happy now! My pinky is no longer sore, so I am going to go write more Lost Song. Cass is 10 pages ahead, and I really want to catch up with her today. Plus, I did some research, so I can make things more realistic this time around.
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