Today we did traditional Jewish dancing in my bible class. It was informative, and fun, and an all-around rich experience. There's os much tradition, so much etiquette to the dancing, though, that it feels more like a ritual than a celebration.
So right now I'm putting off writing some things I need to write, and listening to Green Day songs that make me cry. I'm not crying, though; though it's got to be a first lately. I know the 15th would be hard for me, but I had no idea that sadness would linger afterward. I miss her so much, and it's only been lately, after a year of lump-in-my-throat dry mourning, that I've been able to cry. And cry. And cry.
I just feel like we got cheated. She went through so much shit; she deserved to die surrounded by loved ones, holding hands and knowing she was loved, not pass out and just never, ever wake up. I wanted her to meet my kids, I wanted her at my wedding. I wanted to share so much more with her, I wanted us to have happy memories, not these ugly ones. I don't need for her to live forever, but we deserved a little longer, to become more than what we were.
I just miss her. I'm waiting for that phone call, but I know it will never come.
